Something about the afterlife?
Venting to the internet. I'll prolly delete this sooner or later.
I often find myself wondering what it must be like after death, when the noise has ceased and the silence deafens. The wind blows naught, and the world stay still. Are we thrust into a new life, unshackled by our past sins or are we plunged into darkness? Does overwhelming nothingness wash over us and remind us that our lives were but a speck in an endless and unforgiving universe?
Recently, I broke up from a year-long relationship, slowly eroded by the inevitable reality of long distance. Now, my days are painted with shades of gloom and contemplation. I think. I think of the all the memories I once made, not knowing then that it was all about to come to nothing. I think about all the things I could have done differently. All that remains now are the shadows I carry.
In these long strings of thought, I can’t help but wonder about some cosmic myth. Some relevance to it all. Something to account for all the pain people go through. What could be after everything is said and done? Maybe my ancestors were better at surveying this complex, nuanced journey than I am.
so much depends upon
a red wheel barrow
glazed with rain water
beside the white chickens ~ William Carlos Williams
So much is expected of us. I’m 18 right now and in two months I shall be expected to make a man of myself. I will leave home and learn everything the hard way. And although I have braced myself it doesn’t seem fair. Why the need for everything to be so difficult? Why the need for this extreme grind? Why must people study things they don’t want to, to do work that they don’t enjoy? Why own things than end up owning us? So many unanswered questions and I’m hardly smart enough to find a reason for everything.
I just wish I’d seen the view from halfway down. Said all the unspoken words. Made better decisions. I don’t feel good about a lot of things. I know my problems are irrelevant in the long run and in about 5 years time this will all be a blur of experiences but I’m here now and its rough. But fuck it. Life’s a bitch and then you live. No Road Left But The One That Leads To The End.
You are so articulate in your writing, Jones. So self aware for someone still so "young", an old soul. You carry innate wisdom this world needs to hear! Be gentle with yourself on your ever evolving journey. We are always learning and growing - especially through the pain. We learn the most in our darkness. It's as if our souls plummet us into the depths of ourselves so that we can climb our way back out and live to tell the story of how we grew, how we are always growing. You're doing amazing, my friend! Your own journey holds so much that can be shared with this world. Your healing, will heal others.
This is a topic I think about often. I've had my ups and downs since my teen years, now I'm somehow, strangely, in my mid-30s — I never thought I'd make it this far and tried not to a few times. Fumbling, we all let the years carry us on. Part of the journey is never knowing the whats, the whys, the hows, the whos. Life just happens — we fight against entropy trying to assign purpose and meaning.
After my husband died, I had an epiphany that there is no god, no great cosmic presence, we are born and then we die. How we spend our years in between is up to us. We can search endlessly for the universe to give us a divine sign or not.... To quote an old favorite "If nothing we do matters, all that matters is what we do."
Regarding an afterlife:
1. I grew up in a legit haunted house. I've seen and experienced things I can't explain other than there must be something else.
2. I'm afraid of this fact — I hope that death will be the end that we cease to exist....but the notion that I could be stuck here, lingering as a ghost is terrifying. Or being reborn into the same existence.